My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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