I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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