I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
