what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
You pole danced in your parka.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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