i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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