I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
