Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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