so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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