you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
