What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
Sorry about my life...
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
