I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Randomize
