if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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