Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
