After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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