who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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