guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
