I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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