im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
