i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Randomize
