theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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