Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
