We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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