sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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