did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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