Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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