Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
