i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
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But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
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it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
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