My balls are so social today.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
