Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
