I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize