I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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