The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
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Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
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There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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