I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
