Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
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You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
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Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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