I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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