TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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