yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
The air taste purple.
Randomize
