Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
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How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
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Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
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