they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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