i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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