all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
