god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
