call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
she told me i tasted like america
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
