I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
