if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
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