If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
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He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
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If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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