How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
This couple is walking their pig around campus
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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