I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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