Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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