can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
