The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
