i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
