i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i was born a porn star she said
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
