hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
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