last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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