Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
